Some Bad News

At the beginning of March I had my first pregnancy doctor's appointment and they gave me an ultrasound to check the baby. Well, the baby ended up measuring a week smaller than we thought it would. So he wanted to see me again to have another ultrasound.

That appoinment was yesterday. We brought both of the kids so that they could see the baby, too. The whole doctor's visit was just a horrible experience. First of all, right when I got there they told me that I wasn't eligible for Medicaid anymore. So it was a whole mess trying to figure out why and what to do about it. So we told them that we couldn't afford an ultrasound today and that we would need to reschedule it for when we had insurance. So by this time I was already very frustrated and crying a little bit.

They said that they wouldn't charge anything to just have a nurse listen to the heartbeat with the doppler. So we went in to the room and they started looking for the heartbeat. The nurse tried for like 5 minutes and couldn't ever find it. She just kept saying that its really small and is probably moving around a lot. So she went and got another nurse to try. Well, she tried for another 5 minutes and she couldn't find it either. Right there I knew something was wrong and I was in tears. They said that we needed to do an ultrasound to try and find the heartbeat that way.

So we went in the ultrasound room and they started the ultrasound. Right when the picture came up I knew there wasn't a heartbeat. I couldn't see anything moving and you can definately see a heartbeat. The doctor took a LONG time to tell us anything, because he wanted to be absolutely sure before he told us. He measured the baby and it was measuring about the same size as it did at the beginning of March.

So then he told us that it was gone. He thinks that it died about a week after the first ultrasound. He said that he thinks thats why it was measuring small in the first ultrasound because it had already stopped growing and was already about to die. Everything else that he said is all kind of a blur. I just started crying and my head was just spinning. I couldn't concentrate on anything else by that point.

The kids were very worried about me. They didn't understand why I was crying. We had told them that we were going to the doctor's to see a picture of the baby, so they kept asking "Where's the baby?" We had to have a long talk about what happened. They still don't understand though. They are a little too young still.

Even though this is very heartbreaking, I have to say that I wasn't really surprised that it happened. This whole pregnancy felt strange to me. With Matthew and Kaity I was VERY sick the whole first trimester, and with this pregnancy I wasn't ever sick. At first I just thought that I was lucky, but then I started to get a little worried about it. I also wasn't gaining any weight. Some women don't gain any weight in the first trimester, but that because they are sick or the smell of food bothered them. Nothing like that happened with me. So I always felt weird about this pregnancy, like I knew something bad was going on.

We'll probably try again for another baby sometime during this year, I just can't really think about it right now. I just wanted to let people know what was going on.